Kids with big feelings: How to support your child’s developing brain
If you’ve ever watched your child have a meltdown in the grocery store aisle or burst into tears at bedtime, you know what it’s like to parent a kid with big feelings. These moments can be overwhelming for everyone, but they’re also a normal part of growing up. Your child’s brain is still developing and sometimes their emotions get so big that they can’t handle them on their own.
The Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics (NMT)
The NMT is a fancy term from child development expert Dr. Bruce Perry. It gives us a simple way to understand what’s happening in those heated moments and how we can respond in ways that actually help.
How Kids’ Brains Grow
Brains develop from the “bottom up.” The lower parts of the brain, which handle survival and stress (“fight, flight, or freeze”), develop first. The higher parts, which help with problem solving, empathy, and self-control, come later.
So when your child is upset, their brain may slip back into that lower “survival mode.” This is why reasoning with a crying or angry child often doesn’t work—they literally can’t access that logical part of their brain until they feel safe and calm again.
Three Simple Steps: Regulate, Relate, Reason
The NMT offers a roadmap you can use in the middle of those tough moments:
Regulate – Help your child calm their body first. This might be a hug, taking deep breaths together, or giving them a few minutes to squeeze a stuffed animal.
Relate – Once they’re a little calmer, connect with them emotionally. Get down on their level and show you understand: “I know leaving the park is really hard.”
Reason – After they’re calm and connected, then you can talk it through: “Next time, let’s set a timer so you know when it’s almost time to go.”
Why This Works
When you move through these steps, you’re teaching your child how to handle big feelings. Over time, their brain actually gets better at calming down, connecting, and problem-solving. Big feelings aren’t bad—they’re part of being a kid. With your support, your child learns that emotions don’t have to be scary and that together you can get through them. Each tough moment becomes an opportunity to grow resilience, confidence, and stronger connection between you both.
Quick Calming Tools for Big Feelings
Here are a few simple ideas to help your child regulate when emotions run high:
Take three slow, deep breaths together.
Offer a drink of water or a crunchy snack (helps reset the body).
Try gentle movement like walking, swinging, or stretching.
Give them something sensory to hold—like a stuffed animal, stress ball, or soft blanket.
Use rhythm: clapping, drumming, or listening to calming music.
